Actions speak louder than words.
With every door opened, hand held, kiss hello, candle lit, breakfast cooked, I feel loved. He listens. He asks questions and hears my answer. He laughs with me. His lingering hugs are safe and slow. He is present in that moment and brings a calm over me that I long for each day.
I also need words.
Words are my baking soda.
It recently came to my attention that I have been consciously or unconsciously so protective of my space that I may have inadvertently hurt his feelings.
I was trying to explain the layout of my laundry room in regard to the gas line to the fireplace in my house. He said, “Well, I may just need to see it. You know, I’ve never been in your basement.” I truly felt puzzled. I then realized that I have been dating this man for over a year and he has not seen the basement, or the house at all, really. A quick loop in the kitchen and backyard once. Oh, and that visit to the bedroom one other time.
I let him in my space behind the wall tonight. Instead of feeling nervous, I felt strong. Watching him see my home, was intoxicating. He was looking and learning…not judging. In the end, he helped break down the wall a bit without even knowing it. And, the cold, ignored fireplace that has been dormant for almost 6 years was safely bright and warm with light and flame…and hope.
I hear the low hum and thump of the dryer running.
I should be sleeping but there are too many thoughts in my head.
I can hear the cat purring.
I listen to my breaths go in and out.
The high-pitched tones in my ears overtake the layers of chaotic thoughts for a brief moment.
Questions with no answers.
Fear of things known and unknown.
I am exhausted with my eyes wide open.
…after dreaming of cuddly puppies and fluffy kittens I awoke to realize I fell asleep before I hit “post”…
He watches me dance
back and forth behind the wall…
and he still loves me.
Growth through naiveté.
Jumping and dancing and flying.
Tripping and falling and crying.
Time spent behind the wall.
A nudge, a smile…
Not enough wine in the world… I am so weary.