Baking Soda

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I was chatting with a friend and said, “I kind of sound needy.  Am I being needy?  Oh God, I think I might be needy.  Oh FUCK.  I am needy.”

Great news folks!  Middle-aged, single woman declares she is NEEDY.  Step right up, fellas!  Get her while she’s hot!  And, I mean menopausal hot!

I am enjoying my single life, actually.  More so than I ever imagined I would.  As it turns out, I am one of those extroverted introverts.  So, I desire time with people to feel connection and purpose and also time alone to decompress and re-charge.   For most of my life, I didn’t know this about myself.  So as I was running around people-pleasing, saying yes to every request, and making sure I was staying busy, I never had time to myself and didn’t understand why I felt so distressed and empty.  It was a lovely awakening to unearth this information about 14 months ago.  Knowing this about myself has relieved any guilt associated with saying “no” to an event or outing when needed, allowed me to schedule wisely when planning ahead, and made it okay to not feel responsible for someone else’s happiness.  Being single has gifted me a lot of time alone.  I mean, A LOT.  Which, it seems, has overall been a good thing for my pursuit of internal peace.

I have been dating a man who is kind, funny, and smart.  He laughs at my jokes, we have great conversations, we have things in common, and we have fun when we are together.  He has a life.  I have a life.  It’s not complicated.  Except for my struggle with feeling needy and having extreme fear that I’ll get my heart mangled and crushed again.  Sigh.

I have needs.  I need communication.  I need communication that is not prompted by me.  I need uninitiated communication that shows that I have crossed the mind of someone who cares about me, who wonders how my day is going, who wants to know how I feel and what I think.  I don’t need a weekly essay or a deep and meaningful poem each morning, an occasional winky-face emoticon would suffice.

I had the communication conversation with the last man I dated over 2 years ago and he responded by never calling me again.  Other dalliances have ended up the same way.  Communication only happens if I initiate a conversation.  I’m not shy, that is not the problem.  It would just be nice to be on the receiving end of the thought.  It would be more than nice.  Apparently, it is a strong desire AKA need that I must have in my relationships.  It’s like the baking soda in a recipe.  If you leave it out it’s not going to ruin the cake, but the cake won’t rise properly and the texture will be off.  The cake is not needy, but it has a need for baking soda.

Cake is delicious.  I am delicious.

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