Just Call Me Mara: Part 4

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Today, I had an epiphany.  Picking apart the items on the list of what bitterness I hold onto, led me to dissect enough to see a possible pattern.  It was an autopsy of sorts.  I am bitter that my life didn’t turn out the way that it should have, the way I had planned.  That statement seems simple and vague…and possibly shallow.

There were things in play, out of my control and not my fault (for realsies), which started the fire.  Powerless and unable to douse the flame, I put a blanket on it and turned away.  It smolders, still.  And, I learned a technique that holds firm for me now, or hopefully, until now.  Someone hurts me, I turn away, file it in the cabinet of shiz I can’t fix, and keep going.  Because, “I’m FINE.”  Being “not fine” is weak, vulnerable, and painful.  The irony is that it is ultimately vastly more painful to hold on to the overflowing file cabinet of old hurts and disappointment.  That is bitterness.

Today, my son and I cleaned out and rearranged the garage.  I had already started consolidating storage buckets of stuff I wanted to save and set aside items to donate.  He asked me, “Do you have anything we need to just throw away?  I can take a load to the dump.”  I replied, “The dump?!  I don’t think so.  I don’t really think I have anything big to throw away.”  So, he pointed to an old broken desk and mentioned many other items that were there in front of me, items I hadn’t really noticed anymore.  “Okay.  Let’s do that,” I said, “Let’s get my life cleaned up.”  We filled the back of his truck.  Filled it.

Maybe I’ve been so concerned that I would have to get a file out of the cabinet, read it out loud and share with the whole world, risk embarrassment and ridicule, that I just couldn’t see a way out of the muck.  Because, how else does one get rid of this crap?  Maybe I’ve just been too afraid to look for any other option.  Writing helps me get it out of my head and into a state of reflection for me– to clean out the cabinet and try to understand it or at least re-arrange the files a bit.  But, how do I get rid of some of these files?  I can’t physically take them anywhere.  How do I take them to the mind dump?

As a result of all this reflection, me whining about my life and past boo-boos, needing to get rid of stuff because I already have too much, and complaining that my life didn’t turn out perfectly makes me feel like a giant asshole.  There are people in the world with actual problems.  Sigh.  Well, this asshole is working on her communication skills with herself and feeling better that she may have a shot at living life in peace…peace within.

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