Well, this unstoppable process of taking inventory of the bitterness I carry is starting to get a little scary over here. It seems I am holding on to more than what I assume to be a normal amount of bitter for humans. I mean, no one is perfect. I’m not alone, I think. Jesus & Mother Teresa are about the only 2 peeps that didn’t carry around any baggage, right?
Closure seems to be the running theme for the evening. The things I seem to hold on to are the things in which I did not receive or pursue closure. Is that sort of like forgiveness though? The person who was a douche to you does not need to participate in their acknowledgement of idiocy in order to forgive them, right?
Top Golf? Betrayal of a friend? Betrayal of a friend of the aforementioned friend? Middle to end of the priority list of the one(s) you love? I don’t blame myself for these things that happened. However, I do blame myself for my reaction to these things. I growl. I file it away and pretend it didn’t happen, didn’t hurt. I pretend that I can just look the other way and all will be fine. I look the other way, but my eyes are not open. That, folks, is not fine at all.
How does one really let go of these things? How does one truly forgive, knowing that forgetting is impossible? Or, is writing these things to get out of my head a part of the healing process? Dr. Phil used to say in that southern drawl, “You can’t change what you don’t acknowledge.” So, I am acknowledging that I am filled to the brim with bitterness. People are stupid and make mistakes. Most of the people who have “wronged” me likely do not give me a second thought. Or the “thing” they did was not intended as hurt, it was just perceived so on my end. So, when they live in my head and heart on the bitter side of the tracks, that’s on me.