At church yesterday, we were given a card with the single word “bitterness” and asked to do some homework regarding the things that we are holding onto, who we think has “wronged” us, who are we blaming for this “hurt” that we can’t or won’t move past.
I can over-analyze most anything really. I obsess over the most ridiculous things, a lot of really important things, and the things that are perceived as earth-shattering at that moment but are not really important at all. There are topics that I choose to just keep in the file cabinet, actually important or perceived important stuff, because the analysis of such things could be, would be painful to others and to me. I am a protector first, then a fixer. A fixer of others first, then protector of the file cabinet. Good Lord, that last sentence was worth about 5 therapy sessions that I should have had.
Somehow, I was given 2 cards while everyone else received 1 card. Yes, I think God has a hand in stuff. No, I don’t think God waived a wand and gave me extra homework. But, I do think that when we are open to the possibility of something bigger at play, we can choose to learn and grow. So, I was given 2 cards…I have more bitterness than others? I have more to say than the rest? I have been given an opportunity to obsess and over-analyze why I was given 2 cards? I was given the gift of another blog topic?
I’ve been thinking, writing, drinking and not sleeping about the 2 cards and the topic of bitterness. I have come to a conclusion: I am fucked up, but still loveable.
As for the bitterness, the shiz I hold onto, and who I blame? Yes, there is bitterness, duh. I hold onto things longer than I should and it is affecting my life today, dammit! I never blamed God — only myself, ouch. Folks, that right there is an epiphany and all my heart can handle today.