I am a planner. I like to have a plan. I make a list for the day and accomplish tasks, marking them off one by one. I look at my calendar for the day and the days ahead, so I can know what is happening and when and be prepared. Having a plan makes me feel secure, in control. I hesitate to use the “c” word because it has so many negative connotations. But, I suppose it fits in this situation.
I have been wondering, perhaps questioning, if God has a plan for me and if so, what that plan could possibly be. Is the plan that I was born and I’m on my own after that? Is the plan that I have a taste of things going fairly well in my life and then it is all yanked away? Is the plan that I lose all sense of security and consistency in my life so I appreciate what I had? Is the plan that I question the plan?
I am a planner without a plan. Or maybe I am a planner with a plan that is not “the” plan? Oy vey. This is why I am awake at 4:00am writing down topics for consideration, discussion, prayer. This is why my anxiety level is gradually increasing with no end in sight.